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June 16, 2004

insomnia

Belinda and I both had insomnia last night.

Except for the fact that I'm so tired this morning that I can barely muster up the energy to sip my coffee, we had a nice time. It's been a long while since we just lay in bed together. We chatted, spooned, squabbled, cuddled, and shared concerns about our relationship.

Belinda gets all freaked out when I get stressed. When I am stressed I close up. I don't talk about my feelings or the detail of my day very much is it is. But when stressed, I talk about those things even less. I think this alarms her. You know how women are. When Belinda gets home from work she tells me all of the fine details about her day, down to the minutest of minute details. At dinner last night, I was doing my stressed/quiet routine. Belinda had been talking for about 30 minutes straight. Going on about the people at work, lunch, the fax machine, the joke she told her boss, etc. Anyway, at one point, she asked me if anything exciting happened at work today. I just responded, "No, nothing happened at work today at all." Which, of course, is total bullshit, I just didn't want to talk about it. It had only been about 2 hours since I left work, and I need lots of time to decompress. When I finally do get my head around the events of the day, I open up more.

That night, lying in bed, Belinda said she took my quietness as a sign that I'm unhappy in our relationship, and unhappy with her in general. That it must mean that I don't value her as a listener and I don't value her help and guidance to get me through the stress. This surprised me a bit since we've been together for three years, and I have been stressed out for about 2-1/2 of those three years. But, I assured her that everything is fine, and that I just deal with stress a little differently than she does.

After that we just laid in bed, quiet. I could hear her breathing slow, and finally, mercifully, sleep took hold of her. That was about 3 AM. I lay there, listening to her breathing, thinking... the storm in my brain finally allowed me to sleep at 4.

That 7 AM alarm was almost painful...

posted by grumpy at 1:14 PM

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