ms. hilton, ms. paris hilton

Belinda and I watched the Paris Hilton Sex Video last night.

I know, I know... we're so late to that party.

After watching The Fabulous Life of the Hilton Sisters on VH1 about 2 months ago, Belinda turns to me and says, "Can you find her video on the internet?" Baby, I can find anything on the internet. In no time, I found and downloaded the full 37-minute version for us to watch. Which promptly sat on my hard drive, unwatched, for the last two months, until last night.

What I can say is that it was really exceptionally and surprisingly dull and unerotic. After watching it, I felt that I wasted 37 minutes of my life. Going to bed 37 minutes earlier and getting a little extra sleep probably would have better served me.

Sure, it was explicit. Sure, Ms. Hilton is pretty. Sure, there was sex. But both Ms. Hilton and Mr. Solomon are really immature and really annoying. I don't think I can stress this enough, immature and annoying, very stupid of me to expect otherwise, I guess. Their banter was so fucking stupid, that I wish I could have dumped an oil tanker of KY jelly over their heads to shut them up. "Just shut up and fuck! You're ruining it!", I was tempted to bark into my laptop.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the sex. Mr. Solomon is terrible in bed, he takes forever to come, and he's clearly there for his own pleasure not Ms. Hilton's. Not surprisingly, Ms. Hilton's performance plays off Mr. Solomon's. She appears bored, and somewhat anxious for the act(s) to be over. In fact, she seems more excited by the camera and the fact that she is being filmed than anything that's going on around her or into her.

Or, maybe she's just a lousy lay.

Either way, I am most surprised by the fact that I expected oh-so-much more from the worst our mediocre-at-best entertainment industry has to offer. What the fuck was I thinking?