starfucks

Over the years, I have gone from liking Starbucks, to loving Starbucks, to craving Starbucks four times a day; to fucking hating Starbucks with such vitriol that it makes me cross-eyed.

It starts with the way you're supposed to fucking order. Short is for extra small, tall is for small, grande (that's Italian for large) is for medium, and venti (Italian for twenty) is for large. What the fuck was wrong with small, medium, and large? Had these words suddenly lost their effectiveness? Did we all wake up one day and say, "Gee, small, medium and large just aren't working for us anymore, we need more words to describe the same fucking thing!" No, it's the fuckers in Seattle way of making customers feel like they're fucking fancy and snooty and fucking more righteous than the people who like to drink coffee that's been filtered through a paper cone.

Speaking of which, what the fuck is wrong with coffee that's been brewed through the drip method? Why must it be that every time I walk into Starbucks, Peet's, Tully's, or the corner Uppity Cafe, I am made to feel like a second class citizen for asking for my "drip" coffee?

It wasn't all that long ago (maybe I'm showing my age here) that I remember when we went to Dunkin Donuts or dare I say 7-11 for coffee that would make hair grow from your ears. AND WE LIKED IT! We even craved the shit. We even drove a mile out of our way to get it!

Then Starbucks came along and said here is this fancy fucking Italian coffee. And the fuckers from Seattle said, "Taste this! Aren't those lattes and cappuccinos yummy? Oh, yeah, that is going to cost you $5 instead of the $1.15 you were paying at Dunkin."

Let me rant on about another thing. Your fucking grande nonfat latte is made with exactly two 1-1/2 ounce shots of espresso. Each of those shots of espresso is made with exactly one tablespoon of fine ground coffee, which gives you a whopping grand total of TWO tablespoons of coffee used per $4.70 grande nonfat latte. The grande (that's medium to the sane) coffee is 16 ounces. Two 1-1/2 ounce espresso shots take up 3 ounces in your cup, which leaves 13 ounces. You're barista (in the 80's these were the same pimply kids who could only get jobs working the fry line at McD's) fills your cup with about 10 ounces of "steamed milk", the remaining 3 ounces is filled with "foam".

I'm not 100% sure what "foam" is or where it comes from, but I'm pretty sure there are a bunch of teenage boys with Barely Legal video's in the back... oh nevermind.

"Steamed milk" is a fancy fucking term for milk made hot using steam. Duh. I can buy a gallon of milk in the most expensive convenience store in the fanciest fucking neighborhood in this city for $4.00. That's 128 fucking ounces people! How much fucking money is Starbucks making us pay for them to boil fucking water??????

Want to know the best part? That fucking 16 ounce grande nonfat fucking latte has almost half the caffeine that drip coffee does. That's almost the same thing as your friendly neighborood cocaine dealer who cuts his product with sweet-n-low.

Fuck no, its worse.