morning funnies

What a fucking morning I've had.

It starts when first this morning when I walk in the bathroom to see Belinda naked and frantically looking through the closet where we keep all the toiletries. She says to me, "Where did you hide my face wash?"
"Um, I didn't touch your face wash."
"I know I had an extra one, I need it, why do you always touch my stuff?"
"Belinda, do you really think that I am out to get you by moving and hiding all of your toiletries so you can't ever find them??" This little exchange puts me a little on edge.

A little miffed, I went out to take the dog for a poop in the park and to move our car since today was street cleaning day.

When I returned, Belinda had just gotten out of the shower. She just bought herself one of those fancy lady razors for shaving her legs and god knows what else, and used it for the first time today. This is actually momentous because it marks the first time in 3 years that she is not using (read: dulling the shit out of) my Mach 3 for such things.

So when I peered into the bathroom, I saw the new razor sitting on the edge of the tub. It comes with a special suction cup hanger and I think to myself, Oh, I hang that for her. And as I'm standing on the edge of the tub I hear, "It's not going to work there! Shit Grumpy!! You just got grass and dirt all over the tub. Argh!" I step down from the edge, "Now you're getting it all over the mat!!"
"OK, OK, sorry. I was just trying to hang the damn thing for you."

Then its time to head out for work. We walk down to the corner where we pick up the train. The train is always super crowded in the mornings and when the train comes, I motion towards the second car and say to Belinda, "The second car is always less crowded than the first." We quickly hurry down to the second car and guess what, even more crowded than the first. Shit. Belinda, as she turns to run back to the first car before the door closes says to me, "You're completely fucking wrong!!!" Fine whatever.

We're on the train now, heading inbound. It's crowded, but considering how crowded it is we have a decent amount of room. I am standing next to one of the worst subway commuters known to man, the Pole Hugger™. The pole is there for a reason, to hang on to as the train speeds up, slows down, stops, turns and generally tosses its passengers around. It goes all the way from the floor to the ceiling of the train. It is there so that a number of people can share it and hang on. Not today. No, today we have the Pole Hugger™ leaching onto the pole and preventing anyone else from using it.

Fuck that.

I grab onto it anyway. I would not do it if it were a woman, or if the person was kinda dirty. But today's Pole Hugger™ (there's one on every train) was a guy, was pretty clean, and he didn't look like he was insane or packing heat. So fuck him, I have every right to that damned pole too. I reach in, and grab the pole, making it obvious that my hand is there and his chest is extremely unwelcome next to it. Naturally he backs off a bit. But after a minute or so, he starts hugging the pole again and his chest is rubbing against my hand, as if I weren’t even there.

I pull my hand off the pole. A bit in disgust, and a bit in shock (AS IF!) and I let out a little huff. Belinda looks at me, probably not realizing that I just lost my crusade against the Pole Hugger™ and is like "What?”
"Nothing."
"Tell me what it is."
The guy is standing 6 inches from us. I am not going to get into it. I hiss at her, "I said it’s nothing, just leave it alone."
"Oh, you’re in a fucking great mood this morning, just like you are every other morning." And with that, she turns her back to me for three more stops.

I'm the one that's in a bad mood? What the fuck?

What a morning.